Chris Kluwe, known on twitter as @ChrisWarcraft, was a punter for the Vikings for eight years. Outspoken and somewhat of an activist for gat marriage equality, Kluwe was released by Minnesota on Monday.
Kluwe, whose entertaining tweets have gathered him over 171,000 followers, posted a series of tweets yesterday in response to THIS piece by OnionSports.com.
The tweets begin with a forewarning:
**WARNING. THE FOLLOWING IS SATIRE. IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE INTERNET, LEAVE NOW**— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) May 7, 2013
Kluwe went on to tweet (11 total, copied and edited for language in a paragraph form):
A day after being cut by the Minnesota Vikings, former punter Chris Kluwe penned an impassioned online screed chastising the entire state of
"How dare you snot-felching turkey****s ignore my desperate cries for attention," Kluwe wrote, while smashing together multiple run on sentences about the plight of the not at all endangered American prairie dog.
"I swear to raptor Jesus, if my name isn't somewhere in the media or on the front page of Reddit in three ******* seconds, I'm going to light your mother's nipple hairs on fire with her own explosive flatulence."
Kluwe then went on another four page rant about the dangers of poorly maintained water heaters, using such ludicrous phrases like "Satan's vomiting crotchsphincter," and "turgid camel *****s," interspersed with punting stats that not one single person gives a solitary **** about, and frankly, wishes didn't exist.
When asked for comment, multiple people who claimed they knew Chris Kluwe said, "Isn't he that whiny dude with the stupid hair?" and, "What the **** is a punter?"
Kluwe's mother reached out to the Onion and told them her son had died of dysentery twenty five years ago, and whoever claiming to be him now was undoubtedly "some turdgobbling famewhore."
If you had one question you could ask Kluwe, what would it be?